crzylady ramblings

have had time to cool down. thank goodness for work! Also, got my paycheck advance, which means i can those nagging bills and get groceries and be all caught up (well almost.. we'll push to the back the fact that i still owe the bank $474 and my visa $1000). But house wise I'm all caught up and I AM making payments on the others. WOOHOO. yea for me getting my shit together, slowly... but it's definitely happening.

What does it mean to make a gazillion lists? I write out about 2 or 3 different lists a day. first i have to separate all the bills/grocery etc and then run thru how much i can possibly pay (or have to pay) on each which leaves me so much for groceries, etc. This is something i write down constantly. I have 3 lists with approx the same number on them in my purse, plus i've written it on my desk calendar. I also have a list of things i need to get done for the Taste of the Harvest (which I've been writing down for about 3 weeks now) I will, of course? get those done this weekend as I will be a horrible disappointment to the entire committee if i don't. I also have lists with books i'm looking for, dishes i'd like to buy, etc.

I'm almost certain that these lists ARE useful... as i have yet to go over my grocery budget and I AM remembering to pay my bills. of course, the really hard part is organizing all the lists so that i have the most up to date one when and where i need it.

Current Mood: geeky
Current Music: accuradio -- flock of the 80s

is it just the hormones? I'm not sure, but I'm horribly frustrated by my boyfriend at the moment. He left a note yesterday saying he'd gone fishing with greg and would be back later, also that he remembered to take his cell phone. he did not however bother to answer the two calls I made to it, so i will happily assume that he chose to ignore me as the normal amount of rings did not occur before VM picked up. Also, he had left before 3pm (when my li'l sis showed up at the house). I went to bed at 9:30. I woke up at 12:10 to still find no eddie. worried I got up and checked my messages. there is one, but with no time attached saying he was on his way. about 10 minutes later (i'm already fuming and back in bed) he shows up and hops in the shower. Why would this boy hop in the shower? well, because i've always had a sharp sense of smell and it's off the wall since i've become pregnant. so he'd either been smoking or been to the bar, or both. I quietly, and deceitfully, crawl out of bed and yes, his clothes are rank with smoke. I crawl back to bed to ignore him. He doesn't bother to say anything to me, tho i can't imagine he's stupid enough to believe i was actually asleep. after a few short minutes he falls asleep and snores most horribly (not something that is common since I made him give up smoking 5 months ago)... a long racking phlegmy snore which means he's been smoking. GRRRRRR! i don't get to fucking smoke when i want one. bloody bastard.

I go to sleep on the couch. he doesn't bother even once to see where I've gone or why. He does have the nerve, however, after tiptoeing around me all morning to ask, "didn't you sleep okay?" My reply, "Yes." His, "Oh, you seem grumpy." mine, "guess i am then." He's such a fucking boy!

I brought my car to work today so I can mysteriously disappear for a while after work and let him wonder where the fuck I am. I asked him to get me the car wash tokens out of his car (which i bought) so I could wash the car. He gets them and puts thim in his pocket. 10 minutes later, "can I have the tokens?" "You don't want me to wash it?" "NO." (he offered to this last week when i gave him $5 for tokens to wash his car.. but BIG FUCKING SURPRISE my car still didn't get washed, even on his day off. so no, i'll do it myself and make sure it actually gets done).

Current Mood: aggravated

i'm in absolute shock. and, no, it's not over HP: HBP.

I got home from work to find my best friend standing in my kitchen. Taking up a bit of space... small kitchen, 7 months pregnant that one. Well, she looked very frightened. said she'd been trying to get a hold of me, but i've had my phone off almost all week. she finally gave up and decided to come over, since she had something she needed to tell me.

never good. we move into the dining area.
before we have a chance to sit she flashes a small diamond ring on her left hand at me.

instant reaction, "what the hell is that?"

"I left Alex at my mom's incase you started cussing."

"no, really, what is that? you said yes?"

my best friend, who has rallied against marriage (along with me) for quite some time is now engaged. engaged to a boy with whom she is having a baby and just bought a house. a boy. a boy that she can barely get along with thanks to his maturity level (what can one expect at 20). he can't even by his own alcohol.

i'm not a fan. he's lazy. she works her fucking ass off. it would be different maybe if she was lazy too. but there is such a marked difference. she already has a 5 year old. i don't understand why when they're doing everything else she has to go and marry him. especially when she insisted she never would.

why do women feel that when someone asks if they love them, or even if they are just trying to figure out if they really do love them, they can't say no?

brainwashing.

eddie already knows better than to ask. the only response he'll get is a no, and i'll keep the sparkly ring.
maybe it's my own fear of committment. or perhaps i've seen the closest thing to a perfect family (mine) and it still became horribly fucked up. maybe i'm too pessimistic anymore about romance. But i don't think so. i think i could find my true love tomorrow and still never want to hear those binding, horrible words "i do"

Current Mood: crushed

have yet to read HP: HBP, as i can't afford to purchase the book, so will borrow sister's when she is done (oh please oh please oh please be soon). but i couldn't wait. I had to go to http://www.the-leaky-cauldron.org and read what they've (melissa and emerson) have posted concerning their interview with ms. rowling. so many spoilers. some so obvious (overjoyed), others semi (sadness) and others are a bit of shock and i'm horrified. i shouldn't have done it. but i needed the fix, man.

Current Mood: anxious

well, other then the fact i'm in search of a fourth roommate I'm SOOO EXCITED *please feel free to insert valley girl voice at any place you like, since i feel very much like one with all my gushing* I get to start moving in today and i've already diagramed all the rooms (since i won't be able to move my furniture around myself anymore I'm using my cool artistic ability -- such as drawing ink lines for immovable objects such as walls and windows and pencil boxes for everything else *lol* -- to set up the rooms so eddie and i can have it all ready. He has thursday off so we're going to do all the big stuff then. and i have 10 days off from work (including weekends) starting friday so i'll have plenty of time to get things put away nice and pretty (oh and to paint the movie room, since it is currently horrid horrid wood paneling).

nate and nicole came and worked wonders on the house, painted all the rooms, except the green kitchen (which i'll have to repaint green since it now looks dull next to shiny clean paint) and replace all the the carpet!! it's so pretty. Oh and they bought a really nice vacuum for the house so i can keep it beautiful and sparkling.

Current Mood: creative

been a good day! Got a lovely letter from my pocket-sized asian (YEA!!!) and also a long email from ju'tin. he's really enjoying korea and i couldn't be happier for him. and he's actually interested in this whole pregnancy thing. how odd. i wish he were here to be a part of it (as in uncle ju'tin) but will have to wait as it looks like he's extending his stay in korea by an extra 5 months.. so next march. le sigh. and then he'll probably be back to seattle, but i can pretend he'll be around. who the hell will teach my baby to be a fanboy (if it is a boy)? I mean, i do pretty well on the fangirl end, but come on!

supposed to be going to batman tonight. *screams and does a little dance*

Current Mood: happy

managed to survive what i can only describe as the pregnant plague last week. couldn't keep food down for 6 days. how very pleasant. i felt much like the actor puppet in Team America, World Police (and yes, my experience was also twinged with horror and amusement). Went to the doc's on tuesday where i ALSO survived having 3 vials of blood drawn. After engaging the nurses in fun and lighthearted banter (thereby winning them to my side) we cracked some dirty jokes, etc and the lovely miracle worker of a woman checked my veins over and over again (for about 15 minutes) and finally settled on a small one, but she only stuck me once (thank goodness for her, since I would have hated to throw up on her). And i only started going faint/sick by the third vial. no bruising even. yea!

and then i weighed in.... life can be so unfair at times. my entire life the most weight i've been able to lose is about 5 lbs.. and that's with two workouts a day and rabbit food. but thanks to the pregnant plague i'm down 7 lbs. fortunately i'm not some skinny little twat and therefore do not have reason to be worried about the baby's health.

my aunt donna came out of her lumpectomy doing very well and with no spreading of the cancer (WOOOHOO!!!!) and other then that i am doing very little. trying to get things sorted out for moving (starting with the boxes i haven't gone thru since the dec. move and managing to get a little pile together for a mini-yard sale).

Current Mood: mellow

i've sprung a leak. i cry every bloody five minutes, over everything. I cried from 10:30 til 1 am last night because i was so tired and just wanted to go home and sleep.. but the problem is that the only place that's home has been sold. hopefully someday i'll be able to have a house of my own and maybe that will feel like home. and then today found out i didn't get that job.. so more waterworks. god, this really bites. poor, pregnant, miserable.

Current Mood: crushed

my doctor's appointment went pretty swimmingly. everything looks fabulous. the little peanut isn't even the size of a peanut yet! I'm was at 8 weeks, 5 days and the baby is 2.09 cm. i find it almost impossible that something that small is already shaped like a baby.. but it is. amazing, tho damn uncomfortable to get that ultrasound nowadays. no more on top of tummy but full on wand action. oy.

doctor hodges is fabulous. all sorts of reassurances and very in line with i'm looking forward to in birth (he doesn't believe in episiotomies woohoo!) was supposed to have those 3 vials of blood drawn. but after telling the nurses my horror of needles... well, after she stuck me and COULDN'T get blood that's when i started to go. scared them. Said i turned yellow. they gave me apple juice and an ice pack and as my arms started to go numb one of the nurses noticed i had started sweating thru my shirt and they got me into a room. no one wanted to attempt it because my blood was misbehaving.. so i got away. le sigh. i have to go through it all again next time, only fully hydrated.

also told my father last night. he had one of those amazing moments where he didn't act like himself and was only concerned about me.. (except when i said he'd be a grandpa.. he didn't comment, just scowled and rolled his eyes).

Current Mood: grateful

dreading 1st doctor's visit today.. in just hours actually. here's to hoping i don't vomit on the nurse who is going to drain my body of all it's blood.

Current Mood: scared

chris excitedly opened his latest arrival, season 3 of the gilmore girls. v. pretty packaging, indeed. and as he tried to get it back into the set box he states, "it's too fat, it won't go back in." I walked over to help him stretch the box slightly. he replies, "oh, i just needed help," with an apologetic smile for not being capable in the first place. I smiled back, "If it makes you feel any better that's how i feel about getting dressed now."

chris, and the UPS man leaving, both burst into hysterics.

Current Mood: and fat

"If there is at least one person in your life whom you consider a close friend, and whom you would not have met without the internet, post this sentence in your journal."

Current Mood: sleepy

vomiting escalated on Sunday (record 10 times), lessened on Monday (which I took off, just in case).

and it seems that being outside (in the sun, and "playing" in the water-as much as one can play in 64 degree water) helps tremendously. after work i didn't vomit at all yesterday, but spent the lovely afternoon outside. i also have a delicious sunburn, since eddie found the sunscreen a little late, plus had the benefit of two days in the sun.

officially despise roommate. the dirty dishes in the sink are an embarrassment for when the DISHWASHER REPAIR MAN COMES OVER (Who by the bye threw my 10 year old indoor cat outside cuz he thot she had SNUCK in and eddie had to drive all the way over there to rescue her).. but she can leave a half eaten pizza open and on the counter (where my cats can get into it). so gross. So i'm going home after work to clean the kitchen, but i think i'll leave her pizza out for her. she might want some later.

Current Mood: devious

"it is a truth universally acknowledge..."

blah and blarg. not to the aforementioned Austen quote, mind you. it just seems more fitting than usual. of course i don't feel well, especially in the mornings, of course i'm irritable and bitchy most of the 24 hours in a day, of course i want to watch Pride&Prejudice nonstop. these are the things pregnant women do. there is no changing the whole course of human existence.

for just an instant yesterday i felt Normal. Eddie and i had just gotten done with our first major shopping expedition. and after making us some dinner i began to make chocolate chip cookies. and for just a little bit my stomach didn't feel icky and i didn't feel fat and bloated and i was talking to eddie (who was playing shadowhearts, and i was reading/making cookies). and then it HIT me and i laughed for a second. i turned to eddie to say i felt normal and he asked if that was good or bad. I didn't know and said so, but also stated that i knew it was a feeling i wasn't likely to have very often again.

and then i started to cry. i've only known for a week and it seems like an eternity. and not that being me is so bloody fabulous all of the time, but now i have someone to worry about constantly and, good lord!, i'm to be someone's mother. and i'll never be just me again. and i think that i will mourn for a while.

Current Mood: melancholy

things change so quickly. it is hard to realize that i have been pregnant for over 1/3 of the first trimester. this may not seem like much, but while flipping thru my newly acquired baby books (esp. "what to expect while you are expecting," which my sister claims is my new bible) i am reading thru the "first month" and realize I'm already over and done with that (with lots of discomfort, but highly suspecting it to be PMS) and i'm already on to the "second month."

my clothes don't fit the same (Tho books claim this more to be brace yourselves bowel dissension then any uterine growth). but actually i think my clothes fit differently because i'm no longer able to suck my fat in. oh the horror. no cute smooth "baby's here" tummy, just my usual fat rolls with no where to hide because other things have taken precedence.

The whole "let's move in together and be a family" thing is also starting to become an issue at the back of my mind. not with the other roommates mind you, just that with eddie being a boy and being so bloody oblivious to even the most blunt statements concerning my discomfort. But then i'm just being a big bitch when i don't want him to smoke in front of me, etc. If i were to light up, however, he'd likely never see me again. he doesn't even want me to drink tea, and tea is above all my comfort drink (even above tequila). but he doesn't seem to get that not only is it bad for the baby, but i'm quitting cold turkey, nothing more to do about it, that's the way it goes and if he were to quit cold turkey i'd never dream of smoking in front of him. but, no, his comfort is more important right now is his "state of shock." and who cares if you have an actual life form growing in you.. this is just all too much. blarg.

but, i do have lizzy and mr. darcy to comfort me. in fact i'm quite sure my baby's first sentence will be, "you must allow me to tell you how ardently i admire and love you."

Current Mood: groggy
Current Music: jack johnson --between dreams

had a busy day yesterday. took forever for my results from the doc to come back.

and as i've been on the phone all day yesterday and will have to spend so much time on it again later today, the few of you who read this will have the honor of being the first on-line readers to know ( i hope it doesn't offend you to find out in this manner.. get ahold of me anyway you like to talk about it):

I'm 5 and 1/2 weeks pregnant

so life as i know it is officially over (again). Don't get me wrong. I'm happy and excited. and terrified. definitely terrified. but the bright side (because you really do need all the wisdom of the monty python boys at a time like this) is that lots of less qualified women have survived and turned out (sometimes) decent human beings. so it seems statistics would be on my side.

eddie's in shock. but he's enjoying the role of reading all the material they gave me on diet, etc., and telling me what i can and can't do. and as long as he's not vomiting or speaking gibberish i'm pretty content.

mommy dearest knows, she cried but is ecstatic. still don't know how to tell dad. dreamt all last night about telling my family. wasn't pleasant.

the really good news is now that i nkow what is "wrong" i feel much better. i eat less, but more often. know that i need to sleep more and take in excerise.

and MORE good news. My cat mysteriously reappeared last night!

Current Mood: full

kay enough bitching..

i'm going to fill something out i found on Courtly's Page

1) Total Number of books in house: When i moved in December i got rid of (i.e., gave away to friends, teachers, book exchanges) 4 Large paper boxes of books. So i think i'm totaling around 250-300

2) Last book you bought: i picked up the Complete works of Moliere, 1984, and 3 Milan Kundera books

3) Last book you read: Vanity Fair (am now working on Wilkie Collins "Moonstone")

4) 5 books you often read, or mean a lot to you: wow.. um i generally like books in series (which count as one.. just a really long one). "Alice in Wonderland," The Outlander Series by Diana Gabaldon, All of Jane Austen's work, "Pilgrim at Tinker Creek" by Annie Dillard, "The Notebook," by Nicholas Sparks. (other faves include the Vampyre/Mayfair Chronicles by Anne Rice, The Belgariad and Mallorean set by David Eddings)

Current Mood: nerdy

alley's happy about sulla's disappearance... she's frolicking.. something she hasn't done since we lived alone (whilst in my apt, before finding sulla cold and starving on the front door step). She follows me around with love and loyalty--no longer angry that someone has usurped her position (but only because li'l kitties like being held etc.. alley is v. finicky about being held. only when something is wrong). and eddie's amazed at her playing chase the string. but she's always done that, just couldn't with the baby around to attack her. so it's a win-lose situation. my good ol' alley cat's back, but my baby's gone. le sigh.

if i believed at all in taking medication for my mental stability i certainly would consider it after last night. eddie was driving me crzy just by being around. chalking it up to not feeling well and being a woman, instead of insanity.

Current Mood: aggravated

i feel like shite. i really don't want to. i want to feel light and breezy and ready for summer fun. but instead i've been cramping for a week, had 2 weeks of PMS like symptoms, have two zits on my usually completely blemish free face and am still late for my period. to top it all off my darling edison left the door open sunday after noon and my precious sulla ran away. did the calling for two hours, drove all around the sub-division (calling), put out cat food and water and a blanket that smells like me. to no avail. i can't sleep at night very well. my back hurts and i get up every 1/2 hour to check the front door... just in case any cat has eaten the canned food i put out. i'm putting on weight (i don't usually bloat during PMS) and my breasts are unbelievably sore (typical--except for the fact that my bras are getting too tight and eddie notice about 3 weeks ago that my boobs are getting bigger..) flo called yesterday to make sure i was alright, said she had a dream i was prego and on my way to a shotgun wedding. oh joy.

so when i get off work i'm going for a walk, doing some exercises (from my new routine), and taking a delicious shower so i don't feel so much like mad madam mim (oh yea, and going to keep on praying that my period will start any day now).

Current Mood: uncomfortable
Current Music: jack johnson --between dreams

knowing full well we make our own existence (please refer to what the bleep do we know for further instruction on such matters); and, having the fullest proof everyday--i.e., after deciding at 8 y/o that glasses were the most becoming for young bookworms 6 months later i needed glasses + bifocals and have been blind as bat since, at the age of 12 realizing i would look quite handsome with a white lock of hair in my bangs started steadily going gray by 13 y/o in that exact spot and have an almost completely white lock by the age of 25, the list goes on.

and today... today i work til 5 and have a meeting at 8pm. having not seen my boyfriend since he dropped me off at home yesterday morning around 5:45 am i anticpated his desire to see me this evening. how heartbroken he would be i thought as i accepted the invitation to the PR meeting. he just called and as i told him the news i stated i could go to his house in between work and the meeting (being the same distance from work as my own). he had the bloody nerve to pause and mutter about this; so i stated i could also go home and not bother him, to which he replied, yes, why don't you go home, since you have to leave again anyway. fortunately, somebody arrived at the window needing my assistance so i quietly said goodbye and managed not to slam the phone down with numerous curses.

i am trying not to be hurt. we do not need to see each other every day. in fact the break could probably only help. yes, notice my positive feelings on the matter. although i'm trying more to convince myself of this since inside i'm hurt by the fact that he doesn't care a lick to see me tonight.

Current Mood: indescribable